She Keeps Bringing Up The Past
"Nothing I do is ever good enough", "you're so negative", how many times do I have to apologize?"-Do you find yourself saying these things to your girlfriend/ wife constantly? You thought you were forgiven and then the first disagreement you have she brings it up. It doesn't even have to be a disagreement, she could just be bringing it up in normal day to day conversation.
Well there are a number of reasons your lady could be holding on to a grudge but first things first consider it a gift that you've been given a second, third fourth or whatever number chance it is. Remember that you are the one that fucked up and she didn't have to forgive you. Drop your sense of entitlement and keep in mind that she could've dropped you
*A woman could also be the guilty party but for the sake of this article I'm speaking from a woman's perspective.
She could be feeling insecure and her needs are not being met. She may not even know what she needs but could be struggling with how she thinks you see her. If you cheated on her she could be feeling like she isn't good enough for you or that you liked what you had more than you do her. She may still be hurt and doesn't know how to express that to you. Especially if you've told her to get over it before. She will try her best to let it go and keep her feelings inside until she eventually explodes with emotion. DO NOT IGNORE HER FEELINGS! She's validated in how she feels and as her partner you should be working with her to get through it.
The biggest reason people hold on to grudges is because they feel like they aren't being heard or understood. Listen to understand rather than listening to respond. Just hearing you say "I understand that you're upset with me for _____", can be enough to help her maintain her cool and then the both of you can talk from a more level headed position.
Understanding each other's position without always trying to come out victorious is a healthy way to regulate conflict. If your stance going in is to win the argument then you will always be the loser. The goal should be to fully understand each other. You can avoid so many misunderstandings if you validate each other's feelings objectively.
Don't take everything to heart. Stop assuming that every time she has an emotional outburst it's directed towards you. Women are naturally more emotional than men so don't come at her with hype energy even if that's how she's coming at you. I know it's easier said than done but stay with me. You will save yourself the headache of argument and her snapping on you. It isn't your job to try to understand the inner workings of a woman because you never will and trust me you don't want to. (We're out here dealing with periods, child birth and some more shit) Instead learn how to work with us. If you come with the right energy you will quickly see that it may not have anything to do with you or what you did. Once you realize that it isn't about you try asking "what can I help you with?"
They say the best apology is changed behavior. In order to really be forgiven for whatever it is you did you have to not do the shit again. How is she suppose to believe that you're actually sorry if you continue to exhibit the same behaviors? You need to let her know by not repeating old habits. Actions speak louder than words so don't just tell her you've changed; show her.